I find it absolutely sinful that I have allowed myself to go this long without writing, so pardon my scattered train of thought. It's taken me a few months now to realize how imperative self-expression is to the maintenance of my mental health. I've never been one to be idle, so I've got to keep the wheels turning as long as there's still juice to get them going.
Lately I've been in somewhat of a rut, caught between utter instability and monotonous repetition. I can't decide on which side I'd like my life to fall. On one hand, I'm obsessed with routine and get very perturbed at the prospect of losing it. On the flip side, I'd love to have some excitement in my life. I need the thrill of new things and people and smells and experiences. The thought of wasting the day is terrifying. I've shattered my self confidence with a veil of guilt that clouds my judgment and keeps me from really experiencing things the way I need to.
Consequently, I've decided to set some realistic goals for myself. I've always done well with lists, so we'll go with that. I'm making a list of the things I'd like to accomplish and feel could contribute to the sense of reality I've been desperately clawing at but has nonetheless remained just out of reach.

1. Be more friendly. Stop opting to eat alone because I hate small talk. Be interested in what my co-workers and friends have to say and make an effort to get involved in their lives.  
2. Stick to a workout schedule. Set aside at least 4 days a week and stick to them.
3. Stop drinking as often.
4. Write something original every day. Even if it's just one sentence.
5. Continue involvement at the barn. Putting the time in now will pay off later.
6. Plan out my meals for the week and shop on Sunday for what I need to do that.
7. Save more money
8. Stop opting to stay home alone just because the bars aren't appealing. There ARE other things to do beside drink or sit in bed. Find something new and different.